What do the waves have to say?

Well, hey everybody. Did you forget about me? Cause honestly, I forgot about this for a while. It's my freshman year, and I've never ever been more busy. I've been running constantly the entire year. It's exhausting, but it's my life, and I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now if I didn't love it.

Remember the girl who I was in my earlier posts? Yeah, she's gone.

So much has changed this year. So many things I can't even begin to name them all. But it's all been so incredible. I'm sure at the very end of the year I'll write a post about the entire year, but for now, I'm just gonna stick with this;

Thanks to everyone who was supported me so far this year. A special thanks to my parents, John & Karen, my sister, Suzi, my dance team & teachers, and especially my best friend, Abbey.

I'm a different woman, and that's going to continue to change. As time goes on, people evolve. Things are happening in my world that I never thought were going to happen. And do you know what that's called? Well if you don't, I encourage you to start learning now.

Reality.

Who cares baby? I think I wanna marry you

Okay, so I haven't written a blog in forever. But I just wanted to write this one to contradict one of my recent posts.

Being single is amazing. Well, at least it is for me right now.

Sometimes we just don't have the time to worry about whether your opposite likes you, or really cares. I'm so sick of giving the extra effort, and getting none in return.

I mean, if I'm gonna be happier this way, then why not? It's better to know that you have those people who will always care about you and be there.

I've recently been helping a friend with a boy problem, and I gave her the advice of 'letting things falling into place.' If you rush into something, then things will definitely not turn out the way you'll want them to. Don't try to control your own life, it's too hard to handle. If you just let things happen on their own, and follow them as you go, life will be so much easier.

I didn't realize it until a few days ago, that I needed to take my own advice. The right person will come to me. I might have already met them, or I might meet them way later on in life, but it'll happen.

So, while we're waiting, why not enjoy life? Roll with the punches, and take an opportunity when you see one.

But if you're gonna make a commitment to someone, keep it. Don't make someone be your rebound from your previous relationship, and then let them down as soon as you get over them. Don't make them think that you like them one night, and the next not even care. Follow up on your actions.

In conclusion, just live. Take a step back, and live. Things will happen for you, that's one promise I can make.

I thought that I was strong

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, I'll still feel you here till the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.


Set me free, leave me be; I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over.

Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long.

I don't belong

Here is a letter I wrote to an old friend back in January of 2009, with some revising.

'So I kinda sorta miss you. I miss your amazing hugs. I miss your kisses. I miss your adorable smile. I miss your beautiful green eyes. I miss the way you used to look at me. I miss dieing on the weekends because I didn't get to see you. I miss getting butterflies every time I would even get near you. I miss holding your hand. I miss your arms around me. I miss flirting with you. I miss you being my first everything. I miss you being my straight up everything. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss being able to think about our first kiss the same way. I miss wondering if you were ever thinking about me. I miss you reassuring me whenever I was scared I was gonna lose you. I miss being the happiest I have ever been because of you. I miss being able to be called yours. I miss you hugging me when I was upset. I miss thinking you were gonna give up on me, then I would see your smile and everything would go away. I miss you being the first guys that's ever been able to joke around with me. I miss the way you made me laugh and smile. I miss you not being ashamed of me, even though I still think so. I miss not being able to imagine myself with any other guy. I miss wondering what good I did to deserve you. I miss being terrified to date again, but you never gave up on me. I miss being in doubt that you actually had feelings for me, then remembering that even though I was the most stubborn person ever, you still stuck around. I miss you being understanding about pretty much everything. I miss your sensitive side. I miss being a different person with you. I miss you being a different person with me. I miss no matter how many people I knew, that none of my crazy friends could drive you away from me. I miss my friends thinking we were the cutest thing ever. I miss not knowing what to call us, and what to tell people what we were and them not understanding, but not caring as long as I was with you. I miss going home mad or upset, then seeing you the next day and forgetting about everything. I miss holding stuff back, or not saying a lot of the things I wanted to just because I was scared. I miss my heart being taken. I miss always wanting to say I love you, just because I really meant it. I miss you being the only guy I have ever loved, even though you still are. I miss you being the only guy I've ever wanted to be with. I miss you being you and changing for no one.'

This letter was never delivered.

Two years and fourteen days since the day I fell for you, and some things never change.

When you love someone, never ever ever ever let them go. No matter the circumstance. Never completely let them go. You never know how much they might mean to you someday.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

You are my best friend, you have been since Day One, and nothing will ever change that. I love you, more than anything. You are my rock and my shield through the day and night, and you mean the world to me.

- Gone .

I didn't feel the fairytale feeling

Being single sucks.

There, I said it.

It sucks when you really really like somebody that's already in a relationship.

It sucks when you still really like them after you are in a relationship with them, and you see them with their new girlfriend.

It sucks when all of your friends have boyfriends, and you don't.

It sucks not being held.

It sucks not being wanted.

It sucks not having safety and comfort in one person.

It sucks being broken up with.

It sucks being replaced.

It sucks not being in love.

It sucks seeing the cutest and happiest couples everywhere.

Now, I'll admit it, it's nice not having a title and being attached to someone, but inside, everyone wants that one person to be committed to, and to be loved by, and to love in return.

I'm really sick of being alone.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful

What is the most frustrating thing to you? Is it when you are about to run out the door, and you have misplaced your phone or keys? Or maybe when you work the hardest you have ever worked on an assignment, and get a bad grade?

Well, I can say yes to both of those questions. Actually, right now, I can say yes to any question like that.

I am fed up.

There, I said it. Everyone happy? Now stop bugging me. I am FINE and I can handle this on my own. I am a big girl, and if I need your help, I will ask for it. Thank you dearly for your concerns, but I just need time on my own at the moment.

Being a freshman is hard as anything. Holy cow. I have so much work to do all the time. There is not a dull moment in my day. Here is my schedule;

6:30 - Wake up

Take a shower

7:30 - Leave the house

7:37 - Be at Freshtones

8:20 - 3:07 - School

3:30 - Get home, straight to work

5:00 - Continue to work up until the last minute to get ready for dance

5:15 - Leave the house for dance

5:30 - 8:45 - Dance

9:00 - Get home, eat dinner maybe

9:30 - Back to work

11:30 - Sleep

Do it all over again. Every day.

At the moment, I am just fed up with everything all the time. I am fed up with school work, I am fed up with food, I am fed up with TIME, I am fed up with friends, I am fed up with BOYS.

Where will I have time to breathe?

I can do this, alone. I have for the past three years, nothing will stop me now.

help.

Happiness is just outside my window

Sorry I haven't written in so long, it's been a busy two weeks! Of course, as Summer is coming to an end, I get busy. Always how it goes......

Well, if you didn't already know, tomorrow, I start high school. :) And yes, I am EXCITED about school.

High School is a really really really really BIG change. No matter what anyone tries to tell you. Especially since I just came from a JAIL of a Middle School, no lie. So I am actually really excited.

I can't decide if I'm nervous or not. I don't feel nervous, at all. Not one bit. It's not normal actually. But I'm really fine with it, I mean we're freshmen, what do they expect out of us?

Don't you hate it when you are on a really big 'HIGH' of something, let's say, a GOD High, or a CAMP High, and you get home and are thinking, I'm going to continue to feel this way. I'm going to continue to LOVE God no matter what and think about Him in whatever I do. I'm going to continue to Journal everyday, and I'm going to read my bible everyday.

And somehow, it all just disappears

Well, that happened to me last year. Like the week after I returned from camp I was back to normal. Well, when I got home from camp THIS year, I was not on a God High, but I was calm about it. And I was filled up in Him. It was amazing. And it stayed like that for weeks. Remember all of my blogs talking about God? Yeah, I was still the most faithful I have ever been in my life. And then one day, without even realizing it, it all just disappeared.......

I was so frustrated, and I still am a little bit. But I've come to learn that being a 'good Christian' doesn't mean that you have to journal and read your bible every day, or think about Him EVERY time you're doing something. It is simply about reminding yourself about who you are, and what you believe in. For me, it is remembering why I am on this earth, and who I am living for.

I know that faith will get me through this year. I hope it will get me through this year.

I can get through rough situations without my faith, in fact, I went through the hardest time in my life without knowing my God at all. THAT is what made me so mad at Him. It was my seventh grade year, it was just horrible. No person should have to experience so much in one year. But honestly, it all made me stronger. So much stronger.

I can honestly say that I never want to experience any feeling that I felt, ever again, that year. Although, I am somewhat glad that it happened. Because now that I have my faith returned to me, most things are just so much easier. I guess that's the point of faith.......right?

Well, I am hoping and praying that it will be a good year. I suspect it will be. But we will see.......

xoxox