Who cares baby? I think I wanna marry you

Okay, so I haven't written a blog in forever. But I just wanted to write this one to contradict one of my recent posts.

Being single is amazing. Well, at least it is for me right now.

Sometimes we just don't have the time to worry about whether your opposite likes you, or really cares. I'm so sick of giving the extra effort, and getting none in return.

I mean, if I'm gonna be happier this way, then why not? It's better to know that you have those people who will always care about you and be there.

I've recently been helping a friend with a boy problem, and I gave her the advice of 'letting things falling into place.' If you rush into something, then things will definitely not turn out the way you'll want them to. Don't try to control your own life, it's too hard to handle. If you just let things happen on their own, and follow them as you go, life will be so much easier.

I didn't realize it until a few days ago, that I needed to take my own advice. The right person will come to me. I might have already met them, or I might meet them way later on in life, but it'll happen.

So, while we're waiting, why not enjoy life? Roll with the punches, and take an opportunity when you see one.

But if you're gonna make a commitment to someone, keep it. Don't make someone be your rebound from your previous relationship, and then let them down as soon as you get over them. Don't make them think that you like them one night, and the next not even care. Follow up on your actions.

In conclusion, just live. Take a step back, and live. Things will happen for you, that's one promise I can make.

I thought that I was strong

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, I'll still feel you here till the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.


Set me free, leave me be; I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over.

Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long.

I don't belong

Here is a letter I wrote to an old friend back in January of 2009, with some revising.

'So I kinda sorta miss you. I miss your amazing hugs. I miss your kisses. I miss your adorable smile. I miss your beautiful green eyes. I miss the way you used to look at me. I miss dieing on the weekends because I didn't get to see you. I miss getting butterflies every time I would even get near you. I miss holding your hand. I miss your arms around me. I miss flirting with you. I miss you being my first everything. I miss you being my straight up everything. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss being able to think about our first kiss the same way. I miss wondering if you were ever thinking about me. I miss you reassuring me whenever I was scared I was gonna lose you. I miss being the happiest I have ever been because of you. I miss being able to be called yours. I miss you hugging me when I was upset. I miss thinking you were gonna give up on me, then I would see your smile and everything would go away. I miss you being the first guys that's ever been able to joke around with me. I miss the way you made me laugh and smile. I miss you not being ashamed of me, even though I still think so. I miss not being able to imagine myself with any other guy. I miss wondering what good I did to deserve you. I miss being terrified to date again, but you never gave up on me. I miss being in doubt that you actually had feelings for me, then remembering that even though I was the most stubborn person ever, you still stuck around. I miss you being understanding about pretty much everything. I miss your sensitive side. I miss being a different person with you. I miss you being a different person with me. I miss no matter how many people I knew, that none of my crazy friends could drive you away from me. I miss my friends thinking we were the cutest thing ever. I miss not knowing what to call us, and what to tell people what we were and them not understanding, but not caring as long as I was with you. I miss going home mad or upset, then seeing you the next day and forgetting about everything. I miss holding stuff back, or not saying a lot of the things I wanted to just because I was scared. I miss my heart being taken. I miss always wanting to say I love you, just because I really meant it. I miss you being the only guy I have ever loved, even though you still are. I miss you being the only guy I've ever wanted to be with. I miss you being you and changing for no one.'

This letter was never delivered.

Two years and fourteen days since the day I fell for you, and some things never change.

When you love someone, never ever ever ever let them go. No matter the circumstance. Never completely let them go. You never know how much they might mean to you someday.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

You are my best friend, you have been since Day One, and nothing will ever change that. I love you, more than anything. You are my rock and my shield through the day and night, and you mean the world to me.

- Gone .

I didn't feel the fairytale feeling

Being single sucks.

There, I said it.

It sucks when you really really like somebody that's already in a relationship.

It sucks when you still really like them after you are in a relationship with them, and you see them with their new girlfriend.

It sucks when all of your friends have boyfriends, and you don't.

It sucks not being held.

It sucks not being wanted.

It sucks not having safety and comfort in one person.

It sucks being broken up with.

It sucks being replaced.

It sucks not being in love.

It sucks seeing the cutest and happiest couples everywhere.

Now, I'll admit it, it's nice not having a title and being attached to someone, but inside, everyone wants that one person to be committed to, and to be loved by, and to love in return.

I'm really sick of being alone.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful

What is the most frustrating thing to you? Is it when you are about to run out the door, and you have misplaced your phone or keys? Or maybe when you work the hardest you have ever worked on an assignment, and get a bad grade?

Well, I can say yes to both of those questions. Actually, right now, I can say yes to any question like that.

I am fed up.

There, I said it. Everyone happy? Now stop bugging me. I am FINE and I can handle this on my own. I am a big girl, and if I need your help, I will ask for it. Thank you dearly for your concerns, but I just need time on my own at the moment.

Being a freshman is hard as anything. Holy cow. I have so much work to do all the time. There is not a dull moment in my day. Here is my schedule;

6:30 - Wake up

Take a shower

7:30 - Leave the house

7:37 - Be at Freshtones

8:20 - 3:07 - School

3:30 - Get home, straight to work

5:00 - Continue to work up until the last minute to get ready for dance

5:15 - Leave the house for dance

5:30 - 8:45 - Dance

9:00 - Get home, eat dinner maybe

9:30 - Back to work

11:30 - Sleep

Do it all over again. Every day.

At the moment, I am just fed up with everything all the time. I am fed up with school work, I am fed up with food, I am fed up with TIME, I am fed up with friends, I am fed up with BOYS.

Where will I have time to breathe?

I can do this, alone. I have for the past three years, nothing will stop me now.

help.

Happiness is just outside my window

Sorry I haven't written in so long, it's been a busy two weeks! Of course, as Summer is coming to an end, I get busy. Always how it goes......

Well, if you didn't already know, tomorrow, I start high school. :) And yes, I am EXCITED about school.

High School is a really really really really BIG change. No matter what anyone tries to tell you. Especially since I just came from a JAIL of a Middle School, no lie. So I am actually really excited.

I can't decide if I'm nervous or not. I don't feel nervous, at all. Not one bit. It's not normal actually. But I'm really fine with it, I mean we're freshmen, what do they expect out of us?

Don't you hate it when you are on a really big 'HIGH' of something, let's say, a GOD High, or a CAMP High, and you get home and are thinking, I'm going to continue to feel this way. I'm going to continue to LOVE God no matter what and think about Him in whatever I do. I'm going to continue to Journal everyday, and I'm going to read my bible everyday.

And somehow, it all just disappears

Well, that happened to me last year. Like the week after I returned from camp I was back to normal. Well, when I got home from camp THIS year, I was not on a God High, but I was calm about it. And I was filled up in Him. It was amazing. And it stayed like that for weeks. Remember all of my blogs talking about God? Yeah, I was still the most faithful I have ever been in my life. And then one day, without even realizing it, it all just disappeared.......

I was so frustrated, and I still am a little bit. But I've come to learn that being a 'good Christian' doesn't mean that you have to journal and read your bible every day, or think about Him EVERY time you're doing something. It is simply about reminding yourself about who you are, and what you believe in. For me, it is remembering why I am on this earth, and who I am living for.

I know that faith will get me through this year. I hope it will get me through this year.

I can get through rough situations without my faith, in fact, I went through the hardest time in my life without knowing my God at all. THAT is what made me so mad at Him. It was my seventh grade year, it was just horrible. No person should have to experience so much in one year. But honestly, it all made me stronger. So much stronger.

I can honestly say that I never want to experience any feeling that I felt, ever again, that year. Although, I am somewhat glad that it happened. Because now that I have my faith returned to me, most things are just so much easier. I guess that's the point of faith.......right?

Well, I am hoping and praying that it will be a good year. I suspect it will be. But we will see.......

xoxox

I know that truth is living

Today, I was reminded that I hadn't blogged in a while. It's been a busy and kind of crazy past couple days.

There are always second chances, but is there such thing as a third-second chance, or a fourth?

Well, where I come from; there is. What I have come to discover, is that the second chance is the hardest to give. Or is the third and fourth and so on hardest?

The world may never know.

One thing I do know, however, is that I have given about a million and three 'second chances'.

Too many!

^^That's what some of you are thinking right now. I know it. I'm human too, remember?

That's the thing; we are all human.

If you're reading this, willingly say it aloud with me as you read it.

We are all human.

We are only human.

If you were brave enough to do it, I thank you kindly for your courageous act. If you did not do it, I will give you the opportunity to take once more at the end of this post, if I don't forget.

We all make mistakes.

I have recently, and by recently I mean in the past two years, learned that you will get hurt. There is no way to prevent it. Those who you love most will hurt you. Those who love you most will hurt you. Those who barely know you will hurt you. Everyone will eventually hurt you in your life. I have some news for everyone out there;

It will be okay.

Getting hurt only makes you stronger. But I have taught myself from what I have experienced these past couple years, that the getting hurt part isn't the main thing that makes you stronger. It is being able to forgive the one who hurt you. Forgiving someone or something is one of the hardest things to do in the world. No matter how much or how little you were hurt, forgiveness, is the most difficult action to take.

I mean honestly, think about it. It is so easy to get hurt. It is an emotion, emotions just happen. Humans are nothing but vulnerable.

Holding a grudge will get you nowhere. I have learned that as well.

Just let go.

If you are kind enough to still be reading this, I would like for you to stop to yourself and think for just one quick second. Ask yourself this question;

How many times have I been hurt in the past year?

You do not have to give away the answer to anyone at all. Just think about it yourself. How many times have you felt the emotion of pain recently?

If you are a normal human being, then that question will be very hard to answer. It is very hard to keep track of such an emotion that occurs so very often. I mean on average everyone probably gets hurt at least twice a day. No matter how big or small, it still hurts.

Now, if you are STILL reading this and following along, then first of all; God bless you.

Second of all, stop reading once more and ask yourself this;

How many times have you forgiven someone who has hurt you in the past year?

Now I don't know about you, but for me, that is somewhat of an easier question to answer. I mean, how often do we honestly forgive? How often do we honestly let go of a grudge?

Well, the world may never know your answer. In fact, don't discuss your answer to either of these questions with anyone. Keep them to yourself, it is yours.

We all feel the emotion of pain, we all hurt and some point in our lives. We all hurt actually quite often. It is not easy to forgive, and usually, we want to stay mad at someone who hurt you for forever. I mean, if they really cared about you in the first place, why did they hurt you?

Well don't forget, you have hurt people in your life, too. It is hard to admit it, but everyone knows it. It is a proven fact. But hey, life is all about imperfection.

As my good friend Miley says; Nobody's perfect.

As much as I hate admitting it, Miley is right. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all must pick up and keep moving on.

So, if you are STILL reading this, then I encourage you in the next few days to find someone who has made a big impact on your life, or a small impact on your life, by hurting you.

Tell them you forgive them.

If this task is simply too hard to perform to their face, or you are no longer in contact, or they have reason to believed that you have already forgiven them, say so in your head.

In the next few days, just think about all of this. It is okay to be upset, it is okay to be hurt, it is okay to be in pain, it is okay to hold a grudge.

It is also okay to forgive.

Life goes on, I can promise you that. Pick up, and keep moving;

Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

If anyone would like to talk about what I have just written, and what you just read, I am open for conversation. I don't care who you are, how well I know you, or if I know you at all. I am always here to talk about what you have just read.

And so ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank you all for reading this, if you got all the way to the bottom. It was a pleasure for me to do, and I know for a fact that a lot of you need it tonight, or someday you will need it, and you will be able to look back at it. I most certainly needed this tonight, and I most certainly will look back at it whenever I need it. I appreciate your time for this. God bless all of you. I will simply leave you with these words;

We are all human.

We are only human.

Who do you think you are?

No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your g h o s t anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel a l r i g h t
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I would have missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all


Who do you think you are?

Has anyone out there ever had a humongous change in their life and thought that they would never think about someone, or feel the same way about someone ever again?

Well, guess what, it will happen.

It took one of the strangest things to trigger it. A text message. And it wasn't even a text message to me.

How could I let so much slip away from me? I let everything go so easily, without explanation. I didn't take chances when I should have. Why didn't I speak up? Why couldn't I just say it?

Well, you know what? I have courage. I will stand up for myself, and those who I care about.

You cannot walk back into my life like this. You will not walk back into my life like this. I have pushed you out before, I can do it again. It won't be easy. Respect yourself, then learn to respect me.

Who do you think you are?

Set me as a seal upon your heart

My life flows on in endless song.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
while to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
how can I keep from singing?

My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.

My life flows on in endless song

One of my alltime favorite songs in the world. So so so beautiful!

So I have a question for all of you to ask yourselves;

How do YOU worship God? If you do worship Him at all, what is your favorite way to praise Him, is the better question.

Well, in case you were wondering, mine is music.

As most of you know, I am in love with music. I don't know where I would be without it. Before I found God this Summer, I used to only want to be at church to sing. Especially at the Presbyterian church that I attend occasionally. My choir director from school directs the church choir there, and he is incredible. He does such a good job. The choir there is incredible as well. Whenever my parents would go to sing a song, my sister and I will go in as well and sing with the choir. It's so beautiful!

And now that I have discovered my God, my favorite way to show Him MY love back to Him, is through song! I love to sing praises to Him, it brings me such JOY to be able to share my gift with Him, that is how we connect.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love contemporary modern Christian music, but my favorite kind of Christian music is the ones that are composed and but into sheet music. With just a choir, and a piano. It is all so natural and beautiful to me! Music is beautiful, as is my God!

Judges 5:3

Hear, O ye kings; give ear, O ye princes; I, even I, will sing unto the Lord; I will sing praise to the Lord God of Israel!

Hope was high, and life worth living

This weekend, I went away to one of my favorite places on earth for a Family Reunion.

At first, I was just super excited about getting out of this crazy town, and then I became excited about the location, then as soon as we got to the first meal with the family together, I was so happy to be there.

My dad always plans the family reunions for some reason, and he does a great job, always. This time though, everyone was cancelling last minute. But in the end, we had a great turnout with some great people and great stories.

Great stories, for me, was from one individual in particular; Mary-Jo.

Mary-Jo arrived with one of the members of the family, Helga. Everyone immediately saw how awkward Mary-Jo was at first, showing signs of Autism or Aspergers, but being the good people we are, we were very welcoming to her at dinner.

Soon enough, the dining room and inside of the house became too crowded for me, so I ventured off the porch outside. Now, the houses in Black Mountain are famous for their views, and their porches around the entire house. My sister followed me and we sat and wondered and whispered about Mary-Jo, until she came outside. My sister and I were in two separate chairs across from eachother, and Mary-Jo made her way to the couch in between the both of us. At first, we were making small talk with her. My sister and I both giggling at some of the extremely inappropriate and awkward things that she said. My sister would get up every so often, but I stayed in my spot. And I just listened the entire night.

Now, most of her stories were about her life, and what a rough one that she had. I knew all she needed was someone to listen, and that is what I did.

Holy cow, she had been through so much! Now, I wasn't positive that all of these stories were true, but what did I care? I had nothing better to do.

Well, I'm not going to go into detail about all of her stories, there were just so many. But I will say that she was an amazing story teller. Due to her disability, whatever it was, it was very hard for her to have expression on her face, but the volume and expression that she added to her stories were incredible. I could just picture everything that was going on.

At the church camp that I mentioned that I was at a couple weeks ago, there was a Mentally-Challenged teenage boy that happened to be in my Choice Group for the week. His name was Daniel. The whole camp got to know and love this kid. He was simply just, amazing. One of the sweetest and funniest people I had ever met.

Later on in the week, my friend Kari and I were talking about him, and she had been to a camp called Capernaum for YoungLife as a sort of counselor for children with disabilities. She began to tell me stories about some of the things that had happened that week, then she finally said something like this;

'The people with disabilities are really the good people. The humans without disabilities are mean, and do not appreciate life. But the disabled are always happy, and they love life more than anything. They are the true Christians.'

How right was she!? I feel like Kari is always right. Those who are disabled really DO love life, and they are so loving and always willing to take your hand and be there for YOU. How amazing is that?

So this weekend, I really and truly thank God for Mary-Jo, and I especially thank God for Helga. Not only did she bring Mary-Jo into my life, but Helga has been help take care of Mary-Jo. I am so honored to be a part of a family with such good support, nonetheless people.

Meeting and speaking with Mary-Jo this weekend really made me appreciate life. How wonderful is the life that God has given us all? We cannot control how our life goes, as much as we would like to or not. We can control our decisions, so make good ones, and why not enjoy everything that He has given us?

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 51:10